


Hope

by charmainders



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Boys In Love, Cancer, Character Death, Crying, Falling In Love, Friendship, Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, Heavy Angst, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Inspired by The Fault in Our Stars, M/M, Major Illness, Minor Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Sad Ending, Song Lyrics, Song: Soon You'll Get Better (Taylor Swift), Terminal Illnesses, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:15:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27371035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmainders/pseuds/charmainders
Summary: “I think theyneverstopped.” Asahi nodded at the statement, wiping his own eyes with the back of his hand. “I saw this day coming, but now that it’s happened, I can’t stop thinking about the time they first met each other.”
Relationships: Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	Hope

**Author's Note:**

> > _“Promise me_ you’ll fall in love with me, hold me close like you do, and we can fall in love all over again, live a longer life than we have now."
> 
> haikyuu angst week 2020, day four tier two: illness/death, with bonus tears.
> 
> major trigger warnings in place for: cancer, hospitals, needles, tubes, death. this is a very heavy piece, so if you're unable to cope at any points, please take a step back to breathe.

“Did they have any known family?”

Asahi glances up, looking at the doctor that stood in the hallway. He gave a sad smile, shaking his head at the question. “Their parents are no longer around.” he glances back to his hands, then at his partner that sat beside him, who offered soft rubs up and down his back. “Or at least that’s what they preferred to acknowledge. Even if we tried to look for them, their lines have been cut clean.” Asahi explains, glancing to the wall. 

_“They had us.”_

Asahi glanced over at Noya, sat to his right, his face a look of determination combined with the lingering sadness. “They had us for family. We’ll take care of the final send-off. It's what they'll want us to do, and a respectful way to send them off on their last journey.” 

The doctor seemed hesitant at first, before nodding in agreement when he sees Asahi give a firm nod to Noya's words. “Alright.” he gestured to the room just beyond the corridor. “While we wait for the undertakers to come, the bodies are still in the room. You may both see them before we bring them to the mortuary for cleaning and claiming. We’ll prepare the papers, in the meantime.” he bowed respectfully, adjusting his glasses. “They must have meant a lot to you both.”

Asahi and Noya share a nod, hands slipping into each others’. _“Tremendously.”_

The doctor simply walked away after hearing their reply.

“Come on.” Noya tugged his hand gently, already one step ahead. “Before the rest arrive, let’s at least see them for the last time.” the smile on his face was a bluff, Asahi knew well enough. They had been partners for at least the last decade, long enough to know every twitch, falter and crinkle of his expressions, but for now, knowing the fragility of the moment and atmosphere, he merely followed along to the room, not wanting to disrupt it. He steadied himself, took a deep breath, and walked in, for what he knew was the last time.

On the two beds, side by side under the cold, white light, laid two bodies, one just slightly shorter than the other. All apparatus they had depended on previously had been removed earlier by a nurse, the only remaining traces being the little marks on their arms where the needles had been a frequent visitor. Their faces pale, lips cold and blue, arms skinny to the bone. And yet as the two of them laid there, their faces had never expressed more peace in that very moment, so serene as silence filled the air around them. It hurt to watch his two best friends lay so motionlessly but in that very moment, Asahi didn’t cry. 

It wasn’t numbness, nor was it the lack of emotion. Asahi knew that this day would come soon, it was just a matter of _when._ When treatment options began to look sparse and the charts a blur, he knew it was almost the end of the road for them both, almost time to return home to the maker. And yet even in the last days, both of them kept their smiles, even if they were too frail, living off liquids and nutritional supplements. 

Asahi’s attention was redirected to his boyfriend when his arms circled his upper waist, and instinctively he’d wrapped his own arms around the others’ shoulders. “Even in their last moments…” Noya started, and both their eyes trailed to the intertwined fingers of the two in the bed, “They really did love each other, huh?” he whispers, voice trembling and soft unlike the usual liveliness it had. 

“I think they _never_ stopped.” Asahi nodded at the statement, wiping his own eyes with the back of his hand. “I saw this day coming, but now that it’s happened, I can’t stop thinking about the time they first met each other.”

* * *

_**Winter, seven years ago, Christmas day.** _

It was way too cold, and he hated it with every fibre of his being, but he’d agreed to come back to the hospital for their young adults’ support group Christmas event. As unwilling as he had been, it was better than holing up in his lonely, sad apartment, and to be fair, Asahi was likely to be there, too, so at least that was somewhat of a consolation. 

It wouldn’t be a party if Asahi didn’t bring his plus one, though, as many of the other events would confirm; Asahi always made sure his boyfriend was going to be there so that it wouldn’t be awkward, just the two of them, and Noya could at least steer them away from conversations about illness and jokes about death that he would often make at his own expense.

“Suga!” he whips his head to turn to the direction of the voice, spotting the eyes of said person that he had been looking for, his hair pulled back into a low bun. Suga offered a grin, moving forward and giving a hug to Asahi after he finished brushing out the snow in his silver locks, one arm over his shoulder and giving a gentle pat.

“Hey,” he mumbled under his breath before pulling back, then offering a fistbump. “How are you doing?” he asked out of good nature, having not seen him in a while since the thanksgiving party that was hosted. “Before you ask me the same thing, _yes,_ I am fine. I always am as long as I’m _not dead._ I haven’t relapsed in years, I’ll be fine!”

Asahi blanches at Suga’s words, before getting promptly cut off by Noya, his wild head of hair coming into full view. “Talk about negativity! Talking about death at a party like this is not allowed, Suga, you know that. Cheer up! They’ve got presents for everyone, and there’s so much to do tonight. Let’s at least enjoy tonight and forget about the sadness.”

It makes Asahi grin rather incredulously, and Suga immediately wonders a couple of things: _how did they ever find each other, how did they fall in love when their personalities were so far apart, and how they’d lasted for this long since they were fifteen and sixteen respectively._ All of them were twenty-two now, save for Noya who had just turned twenty-one just this past October. That meant five years together, of their non-stop banter and wildness.

“Fine, fine.” Suga relents, taking the red cup that Noya offered (turns out it was fruit punch) and giving a soft grin too. “How have you both been?”

Asahi shrugs, one arm around Noya’s shoulders. “Same old. The boutique business is picking up, and Noya stayed after thanksgiving to help out with the overflow of orders.” _Ah,_ Suga remembers, Asahi had been so happy to brag at thanksgiving about how Noya was finally going to be helping them with the limited edition collection Asahi had created for his small business, which had somehow gotten lots of media attention recently. He’d been drowning in orders to fulfil, barely scraping by the time the week before Christmas arrived. 

“That’s good. I, erm...I’m gonna get some food.” Suga points to the catering the group leaders had ordered, feeling his stomach growl and wanting a reason to escape from the line of questioning about his life since the last time they’d seen each other, so he hastily waved goodbye to the lovebirds (for now) and walked over to the line. Not that he didn't want to do small talk, he just didn't feel like he was up for it at the moment.

When he’d gotten his food, he sat by himself at a two-person table, eating the pasta carefully with his fork. Not bad, it wasn’t overcooked and the meat sauce was tasty. He could get used to this, he thinks as he sips at his fruit punch before his thoughts were interrupted with a gentle shoulder tap. 

“Is this seat taken?” the stranger asks, and Suga shakes his head, because he’s always alone and having someone sit there would be nice, even if he preferred otherwise. The stranger thanks him softly, taking a seat while Suga’s mid slurp through his pasta, before he glances up and almost forgets how to breathe at that very moment.

The stranger from across seems to notice something, offering a napkin and giving a warm smile of his own. “You’ve got something at the corner of your lips.” he tells Suga, and Suga takes the napkin, half-dazed as he wipes his own mouth before placing it down beside his plate. He’s too mesmerized by the stranger that’s just sat across him - even if his features seemed normal in the sea of the other faces at the party, this person’s caught him off guard.

 _Soft, warm, mahogany eyes._

_It almost makes his stomach turn like he’s on a loop on a rollercoaster._

“Thank you,” he barely manages before returning to his pasta, almost done with his food. He tried not to embarrass himself anymore in front of the pretty stranger, just eating quietly and enjoying the jolly music filling the air. When he finishes, he excuses himself, throws the plate away, and hastily goes to find Asahi. When he does, Asahi is busy talking to Noya about something related to the support group. Suga grips his shoulder. 

Asahi raises a brow, surprised that he’d come back so soon looking this frantic. “What’s up?”

Suga doesn’t wait for the words to settle before he asks. “Do you...do you know who that guy is?” he points to the table where the stranger was still sitting, enjoying his drink. Asahi’s eyes light up.

“Ah! That’s Daichi.” he grins, “I’ve been looking for him the whole night!” 

Bewildered, he follows Asahi as they walk over to the table, and Asahi greets the other with his gentle smile. Daichi is immediately on his feet, giving Asahi a high five. “Hey! I’ve been looking for you! How have you been? God, it’s been a long time!” Asahi excitedly exclaims, laughing. “A shame you weren’t here for the last two years. I would have given you something from the collection we were working on!” 

“No worries at all, I received the newest one in the mail. It was wonderfully made, colour me impressed!” Daichi returns, patting Asahi’s shoulders before offering Noya a fistbump, too. “I didn’t know he knew you, too.” he now turns to Suga, where he’s silently shocked by it all, and he waves shakily in return. “I guess you already know my name.”

Suga trips over his words, not used to how bright the tone is, but also welcoming. It stirs something in Suga. “Erm, yeah, Daichi, right?” he barely makes out, “I’m Sugawara. My friends call me Suga for short.” he offers a hand out, and shakes it with Suga’s, which sends him waves because oh no, his hand is so warm, fitting his well, and Suga secretly liked it when their hands touched. 

“Suga. _Like sugar?”_ Daichi teases, and it makes Suga flush pink, the heat rising despite the cold winter. _What the hell, he’s good looking and he can flirt?_

“I’ve heard that one before,” he tries to brush it off in a nonchalant fashion, and it makes Asahi and Noya laugh because yes, the joke has been used so many times that it’s basically old now, but somehow that one line has managed to capture him. He tries to smile in a non-awkward manner. “Erm, I need to go to the bathroom before they begin the meeting, so I’ll be back in a bit. Just save me a seat beside you,” he gestures to Asahi before he excuses himself out of both sheer nervousness and embarrassment so he can freshen up to look presentable in front of the others. His cheeks were definitely not pink.

When everyone finally gathers around for the meeting, there’s at least twenty of them attending the support group tonight. The introductions begin with the names and their previous known conditions, and soon it lands on Suga. He takes a breath, stands up, and looks at everyone else with his best, widest smile. “Well, uh, I’m Sugawara. I recovered from lymphoma cancer three years ago before thanksgiving, and have been in remission since. I feel mostly fine! Got a job, my own place just nearby.” he looks around the room, then sits back down after everyone gives the mandatory _“Hi, Sugawara.”_

The turns go a full circle before it lands on Daichi, who’s still beaming brightly. Either he was just too happy in life, or he was here as a volunteer for moral support. He stood up, dipping his head, and waving. “I’m Daichi, I haven’t been here in a while since I’ve been travelling. I had leukaemia since I was a child, but have been in remission for at least five. When I got better I told myself I wanted to travel and see the world, so I saved up after two years of working and went to see the world.”

 _Leukaemia._

Suga’s mouth ran dry, knowing that if his remission had begun only three years prior, and with a condition as aggressive as Leukaemia, it meant that he had relapsed at least once or twice, if he were the same age. Cured meant having been in remission for ten years. That was about _half_ of their age. 

As everyone packed up later that night, Asahi had asked if Daichi could bring Suga home, because he and Noya wanted to make a stopover at their parents’ for the night and it was out of the way from Suga's place. At first Suga protested, saying he could get home by himself, but seeing how kind Daichi was about it, he nodded and accepted the ride home.

In the car, Suga finds a spark of courage in him to speak and ask the question that’s been in his mind for the longest time since he heard Daichi during the group meeting. “How...How are you still so...happy even after possibly having relapsed at least once or twice in your life?” he asked softly, one hand scratching his nail against the seatbelt in nervousness, focusing on the road ahead instead of Daichi. The other laughed under his breath, then sighed at the conversation topic.

He pulled up by the side of the road, just beside a convenience store. “No point being so negative about it, right? I might as well take the chance and just go out there.” he gestured to the store, “I’m gonna get ice cream, you wanna join me?”

Suga frowns. “It’s dead cold in the winter.”

 _“So?”_ Daichi grinned brighter, and his presence was so inviting that Suga couldn’t say no, so he stepped out and walked into the store, getting his favourite, one with biscuits sandwiching the ice cream. He noticed that Daichi had gotten a cone one, half chocolate and half vanilla. They sat by the seats outside the store, eating in the peace of the night, stars twinkling.

“I’ve relapsed just two times.” Daichi suddenly admits, looking over. “Both times I was too weak to go to school, so I eventually dropped out and chose not to go to college anymore.” 

Suga thinks. _Huh._ He was pretty much the same, given up on ever going back. 

“Where did you go in the two years?” he asked softly, curious about his travels. If they were gonna sit here, might as well use the time to get to know each other as they ate their ice cream in the dead of winter, at eleven on Christmas night.

Daichi takes his phone out, ice cream cone held in the other hand as he scrolled through. “The first year, I took a tour to America, got to see the grand canyon and the beaches in Florida. Then in the second year, I decided to go to places in the region. Hong Kong, Taiwan, India, Philippines…” he offered a small beam of a smile. “You know, maybe we can go on a road trip together.”

Suga shakes his head, chuckling. “Road trips aren’t my thing.”

Daichi gives a pout, but continues eating his ice cream even if Suga had just rejected the offer. They were just acquaintances, after all. Nothing to harp on, all in good teasing.

“What do you plan to do with your life?” Suga asks now, looking back at him. 

“Don’t really know. Might spend the next few years training to be a firefighter, go save lives or something. I’d like to settle down, too, find a partner, possibly get married. That’s if my cancer doesn’t come back.” Daichi shrugs as he finishes his cone, little puffs of mist leaving his lips as he warms up his hands from the cold. “You?”

Suga’s at a loss for words. He never expected someone with cancer as strong as Leukaemia to be this sure, to be so confident about things in their life. “Well...just hoping that my cancer doesn’t return. You have a better roadmap than I do. I’ve been in remission for like...five, and yet I’m not sure where to start building my life.” 

“That’s a good place to start,” Daichi nods, his eyes turning to Suga’s. “Having hope is better than not having any.”

Suga thinks, and for the first time tonight, he feels himself smile genuinely. Somehow, in the dead cold of the winter, the two of them barely acquaintances; Suga begins to feel like this was the beginning of something beautiful.

_“Hope's a beautiful word.”_

_**Spring, three years ago.** _

It felt like it was only a matter of time before it happened: as he stood at the front of their new apartment, he couldn’t believe this was his life - he now had a partner, someone he loved with all of his heart, a small group of best friends, and a place to call his home.

“Koshi, you gonna stand there and stare at the door, or at you gonna come in and help with the unpacking?” he hears, and he immediately runs into the apartment after toeing his shoes off. He swears he’s gonna start the unpacking, _but first, priorities_ \- he ran towards his beloved partner, catching onto him, legs around his waist as he jumped into his arms. 

Daichi could barely catch his balance, but when he did on solid ground, he laughed and spun them around in their furnished living room, not caring about the boxes of belongings that sat around them. “It’s really ours!” Suga exclaims brightly, giggling between fits of his own laughter and almost choking on his own spit. He had been having sleepless nights, unable to contain his joy at the fact that they were finally going to settle down and spend their lives together. 

Daichi could barely contain his laughter too as he finally let Suga onto the floor, and when they finally calmed, Suga leaned up to give Daichi a kiss on the cheek, then smoothing out his skin. “I’m so lucky,” Daichi gripped around his waist, pressing a peck to Suga’s forehead before pulling away. “Okay, let’s finish packing, or we’ll never get anything done if we keep standing around.”

“Do we have to?” Suga whined, pouting cutely as he stood there cutely, hands balled into fists as stared at his boyfriend. “We could finish the unpacking tomorrow…Just wanna cuddle...” he protested with a cute, childish tone, but all it did was earn a glare. Frowning, he nodded and got to work, starting in their living room, then their bedroom. 

When everything was done, both of them showered and slipped into pajamas, then crawled into the new bed, taking in the smell of their crisp white sheets. Suga found his way onto Daichi’s chest, laying his head there while Daichi took all his attention to brushing at Suga’s hair, his favourite way of showing his affection. Suga loved it too, even if it messed up his silver locks. He just enjoyed the way Daichi’s long fingers were so gentle on his scalp, having lost so much hair before during therapy. It was nice, just laying there with him, enjoying the last rays of the sun as evening came. 

“We should be getting ready for the rest to come over.” Daichi whispered, but made zero effort to get out of bed anyway. Suga grumbled at that.

“Can’t we cuddle for a bit more? It’s only six.” 

“They’re coming over at six thirty.” 

“Ugh, you’re no fun.”

Suga rolled his eyes, getting up and on his feet as he pulled on a slightly more presentable shirt from his side of the wardrobe. But before he could really leave their bed side, he felt his shirt being tugged back, and he snorted, turning around to see Daichi with a faint pout. Suga leaned down, ruffling Daichi’s hair and making it messier, then kissing him longingly on the lips, long and sweet like they had the first time they kissed. _Sweet, tender, just savouring._

“I’m never gonna get sick of how your lips taste.” Daichi grins sheepishly between kisses, and Suga snorts, shoving his head. “I meant what I said!”

“At least try to make it sound like you did!” he snorts, leaving the room to prepare the drinks they bought along the way after Daichi had picked Suga up from their old place.

When everyone comes over later, the apartment feels alive, warm, cozy, unlike the loneliness of his one person flat. He takes a seat beside Asahi and Noya, who’s busy talking about how cute the place is. It is, really - in the spring the sun that comes in will be nice with the cloudless sky, and in autumn they had a good view of the park just about five minutes away. It’s about fifteen minutes, give and take, to get to work. Daichi worked at the fire station just slightly beyond the preschool Suga worked at, and they would come home to each other, spend their nights cuddled up. It was perfect.

He’d fallen in love with Daichi the autumn following their first meeting at the Christmas party, after multiple dinners and outings with Asahi and Noya. He really had to thank the two of them for being the third wheels, because somehow, with small pushes, Suga finally found courage in him to tell Daichi how he felt. And surprisingly, he felt the same way, and Suga had been so open to trying this, even with his history of failed relationships because everyone else had been scared away by the possibility of him relapsing. Daichi came over more often than not during the weekends when Suga couldn’t sleep, was too stressed to; cooked and helped him feel better. It made Suga fall a lot more in love with Daichi, in more ways than one. He supposed the mutual understanding and experience of cancer brought them closer together then he'd ever hoped for.

When Daichi proposed the idea of them moving in together last winter, Suga had jumped on the idea eagerly and agreed. After three years of spending so much time together, Suga had been more than excited to finally settle in with him and start their new life together.

“What are you thinking about?” Daichi slips into the seat beside him on the couch, kissing his temple and slipping an arm around his side, which made Suga squirm because it was ticklish and Daichi knew _all_ the best spots to get him right there. 

“The last couple of years,” Suga grins, looking over as he holds his glass of white wine in his right hand. “And about you, it seems.” he gave a sloppy kiss to Daichi, which made the both of them giggle, before they turn back to Asahi and Noya.

“Oh, we were going to tell y’all something!” Noya chirped brightly, sitting up from the single seat couch, where Asahi had been sandwiched between his legs, letting Noya’s legs drape over his shoulders. Noya held up his left hand, and under the low light, a silver band glimmered. 

Suga gasped, eyes wide. “Who proposed?!”

“Asahi did! Well, actually, _both of us_ did, but Asahi caught the moment to do it first.” He reaches for Asahi’s hand to show off the engagement band. “We had both gotten rings of similar designs and proposed on one of the nights we’d gone out to dinner after finishing the winter collection pieces.” Noya laughs, making Asahi blush furiously and hide his face with a soft whine.

Oikawa threw his hands up from the other side of the room, a chip in his left hand, “About damn time! You both have been together for like what, a decade?” he tilts his head. “That’s a really long time.”

Noya nodded in return. “Since I was fifteen, yeah, so about there. But you both have been together for even longer!” he points to Oikawa and Iwaizumi, the latter innocently reaching for the bowl of chips that sat on the kitchen counter as he looked up. “You both have been together since senior year, but you’ve known each other since you were both kids.” 

“Mm,” Oikawa bumps shoulders with Iwaizumi, grinning. _“Iwa-chan, _how long have we been engaged for?”__

“Two years.” Iwaizumi quietly responded, mouth stuffed with chips as he did.

“Damn, that long already?” Suga looked at them, surprised, hands intertwined with Daichi’s over his hip. “Man, time really flies, huh?” he turned to look at Daichi, ruffling his hair. “We’ll be thirty soon, I just realized.”

Daichi widens his eyes. “And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, you’ve been in remission for the last nine years, and I’ve been in remission for seven. If we clear remission, then we don’t really have to worry.” he glances at Asahi. “I mean, look at our dear friend! Eight years cleared. We’re all gonna be able to clear remission soon, I’m so proud.” he grinned brightly, and Daichi shares a nod at the sentiment. 

“Well, Oikawa and I are both considered cleared and cured, so I’m sure you both will be able to in due course,” Iwaizumi contributed, and Oikawa nodded.

“I know we will.” Suga got up from the comfort of the couch, and gestured to everyone to join them. When the six of them sat around, Suga raised his glass of white wine, he grinned to everyone in the room. _“Here’s to the next few years of our lives, finding ourselves, clearing remission, and being cancer-free!”_ he toasted, and the rest agreed in harmony, clinking glasses gently and drinking their respective alcohols.

Daichi finished his glass, a little red faced as he placed his head on Suga’s shoulder from behind. “To many more years together, Koshi.” he whispered, grinning bashfully, and it made Suga chuckle, kissing at Daichi’s knuckles gently. “To many more years with you.”

“I can only hope so.” Suga closed his eyes as he tilted his head sideways to meet Daichi halfway. Between their gentle kisses, Daichi brushes his cheek so gently, it’s like a feather, and it makes Suga fall in love all over again.

_“Hope’s a strong word.” Daichi breathlessly says between their kisses._

_“I find it easier to believe in the concept of hope when I’m with you.”_

_“Sap.”_

_“You make me.”_

* * *

_**Winter, a year ago.** _

First came the news, then the horror, and finally the anger.

They’d been cleared and declared out of remission. Ten over years. Both of them had been free from any possibility of a relapse. _So why,_ why was it that after ten blissful years of being cancer free, it _finally_ made a return in their lives?

For a week, Suga refused to talk, eat, or sleep in Daichi’s presence. He didn’t know how to talk to Daichi or anyone. Missed calls from their friends were all redirected to Daichi, who picked up the calls and said the sorries for missing them, explaining the situation. He still went to work, ate after he arrived in school and before he left, and locked himself in the room. He slept on the couch at night, crying angry tears as he curled up, empty and cold without Daichi beside him in the dead cold of winter.

Suga was angry with the world - _why?_ When Suga finally could settle down, feel more confident about the future, think about the possibility of marriage, it all returned and crumbled him from inside and out. All he wanted was to feel _normal,_ to be able to live a life not hooked up to wires or depending on medicine to get better. 

_Yet the universe wanted otherwise._

He remembered why he was even orphaned to begin with - his parents had felt they were unprepared to care for a young, six year old child who had been diagnosed with lymphoma, and had left him behind in the orphanage. When they found out about his condition, he’d been transferred to the children’s hospital in Miyagi, and basically called that his home for a whole year. When he recovered the year after, it seemed fate had been cruel; his friends in the orphanage disappeared one by one as they got adopted, while Suga remained the only one left behind, most of the time being rejected because he had the chance of relapsing. He relapsed twice more, once at eleven and once at eighteen. Even as he finished high school, he spent most of his months after graduation in the hospital.

Suga was angry with everything and himself - it felt like a cruel, sick turn that his cancer had decided to come back unannounced, just when he felt like he was beginning to get a hang on his life with Daichi. Sniffling, he got to his feet and sat by the window, watching the stars.

Time seemed to go by slowly, but at one in the morning, he heard shuffling from their room, and Daichi’s reflection stared back at him. He turned around, rubbing his eyes tiredly. “Why are you still awake?”

Daichi shrugs, tugging his own blanket around his shoulders. “Could ask you the same.”

Suga’s voice is defeated, gentle, quiet. “Thinking.”

“Yeah, me too. And cold without you.” he moved to Suga’s side, keeping their distance in case Suga didn’t want to be touched. It made him tear up even more, scooting closer and leaning his head on Daichi’s without a second thought, like two magnets drawn to each other, the force between them too strong to break apart. Daichi draped his blanket over Suga’s shoulder, and held him close, fingers laced together without another word

Someone has to speak up, Suga knows it. He just doesn’t want to be first. But as the time ticks by painfully, he musters every last bit of energy he has for today and says what’s been on his mind. 

_“I’m so tired.”_ he whispers, closing his eyes. “I thought I was free from the chains. But when I’m all ready to finally get a hold of my life, I’m suddenly back to square one.”

He hears Daichi move, so that Suga’s back is to his front, and Daichi’s hands are in his hair. “You can continue, I’ll just listen.”

“No, I don’t want to keep rambling if you’re not going to tell me what’s on your mind, isn’t that the whole point of us finally talking?” he asks weakly, voice hoarse with unshed tears. “It’s a two way street, Daichi, we _can’t_ pretend we’re fine.”

Daichi pauses, pressing his cheek to Suga’s hair and sighing. It takes a while before the other finds his voice.

_“I’m just afraid.”_

Suga feels his breath catch in his throat. “About what?”

Daichi bites his lip, steeling himself. “What if the treatment fails?”

“Then…” Suga sits up and turns to face Daichi, crossing his legs so they were face to face, hands in each others’. “We learn to cope. Learn to live to our last days, finish what we started.” he breathes heavily, trying to regulate them so he doesn't panic. “I know it’s rare to come back from stage three lymphoma and leukaemia. But there’s still a good chance we can go into remission, and afterwards, we can think about taking a road trip again. Maybe...maybe let’s go to Paris. It's always been in our plans, better time than never to do it right?” he tries to smile, aware of the tears on his cheeks, pushing through with it, “Go to the Eiffel tower, kiss at the top.” he held his pinky up, shaky. “Let’s try to at least...push through it, _okay?”_ he asked, voice too soft now.

Daichi watches him; for the first time, Suga knows that even with all the positivity Daichi tries to keep in his life, there were bound to be things that would crush even the brightest star. All the stars will eventually burn out, both of them know. But they can pretend to be okay, at least for now. So when he feels Daichi’s pinky wrap around his, he feels that little spark of hope ignite in him once more.

“Let’s hope we get through this. I know we will.” Suga finishes the words that’s been in his throat, then moving closer and kissing Daichi on his lips, so softly and careful not to scare the other. He doesn’t want to go too far, just enough for Daichi to know how much he means to Suga, _wants him to know that his hope of them bouncing back from this is still ablaze._

 _ **The buttons of my coat were tangled in my hair, in doctor's-office-lighting, I didn't tell you I was scared**_ _**That was the first time we were there, holy orange bottles, each night I pray to you,**_ _**desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus too, and I say to you.**_

 _“Hold on for me, even if it hurts.”_ Suga pleads desperately between kisses, pressing their foreheads together as they part, eyes closed. He can feel Daichi’s tears, mixed in his own, wet and salty on his lips from their kiss. He hates crying, hasn’t cried this much in a while, but he feels Daichi force a nod and he keeps his eyes closed, because he can’t bear to watch Daichi cry and break his own fragile heart.

Daichi tries to hold back a sob, Suga can tell, but he pulls back away from their embrace and presses a hand to his chest, knowing that simple touches calmed Daichi best. “Let it out, Dai. I know how much it hurts, I’ve heard you cry in the early hours. Just let it out now, and then we face the day stronger tomorrow with hope.”

Daichi breaks down into heavier tears, burying his face into Suga’s neck. It’s hard for him to not cry when Daichi does, because he knows Daichi is always so happy, has only ever really cried when he talked about how his parents abandoned him too, how painful therapy had been for him to go through, how he was so happy to find some semblance of peace. Both of them were so alike in so many ways, _even if Suga’s humour is based off his experiences with being close to death one too many times, and Daichi thrives off positivity._

__

__

Both of them have their demons to fight, and as Daichi cries in his arms into the early hours, his back against the window, he breaks down too, sniffling as their bodies curl around each others’ space, seeking warmth and comfort in each others’ arms. Suga wonders if he’ll ever be able to walk out free of the chains of his own demons and see the light again. His eyelids get heavy, and he closes them, telling himself he’ll just close them for just five minutes so he can get Daichi into their bed.

Instead, they fall asleep there, their blanket forgotten, just the two of them against the world beyond them. The snow falls outside like gentle petals.

* * *

_**Summer, six months ago.** _

_The end of the road._

As soon as the doctor had made it clear that there was no return route from where they were, Suga could feel himself fall apart completely. Even after months of therapy, both of them were on their final leg.

Even if Suga wanted to be angry, he wasn’t. _Strangely,_ even as he knows his days are numbered, he finds himself smiling. It definitely does confuse his doctor, but if anything, they don’t ask anything, and just continues explaining the road map for their arrangements, with Asahi and Noya listening beside them.

When they arrive home, they make their way to the couch slowly, sitting beside each other. Both of them have lost their hair to therapy, grown thinner and eat lesser these days, but Daichi is _still_ the man he fell in love with, and he doesn’t care about it as long as they’re side by side, hand in hand. Their simple silver engagement and wedding bands sit on their respective left fourth fingers, having signed the papers in a small, simple ceremony and dinner two months after they were diagnosed with cancer once more. It had been Suga’s idea to tie the knot, having been proposed to the year before, and Daichi agreed, because who knew what the future would hold?

_To Suga, all he wanted was to be married to his best friend and soulmate. That’s all that mattered._

Asahi and Noya take one good look at the two, before Noya excuses himself outside and Asahi apologises, then follows. Suga knows it’s hard, having their trusted friends watch as their lives slowly fade away, like a star burning out. He thanks every last star that he’s got amazing friends like Asahi and Noya, who continue to watch out for them and take the time out to accompany them to therapy, even if they’re busy with their ever growing business.

Daichi’s left hand rests on top of Suga’s left gently, and he leans his head on Suga’s shoulder. “End of the road, huh?” he says weakly. Suga only nods, feeling his throat get scratchy. He gets a lot more emotional these days, somewhat conscious that maybe, even with all this medication, the cancer just wasn’t going away. “I never thought we’d be here.”

“Me neither,” Suga gives a sad chuckle, “And _yet_ I’m not angry, y’know?”

Daichi raises a brow at his words, encouraging him to continue. Suga coughs a little, then speaks again. “After so many years of trying to find something...normal, I found you on Christmas night, and I don’t think I’ve looked back since. You found me at my worst, helped me, and we matured together, fell in love, started our lives together, got married. I think I’m happy with what _we_ have.” he nods, and Daichi seems to be taking it all in.

“I don’t think I have any regrets, at least not anymore.” he intertwined their fingers, kissing at Suga’s temple the way he adores, “I’m happy with where I am. And we made it to Paris, kissed at the top of the eiffel tower, so I think I'm all good.”

Both of them fall into silence, and then a small fit of giggles, before Suga can feel his tears coming. “Daichi? Promise me you’ll do something?”

“Yeah,” he sniffles, sitting up and watching Suga.

 _ **And I hate to make this all about me, but who am I supposed to talk to?**_ _**What am I supposed to do, if there's no you?**_

 _“Promise me..._ that in our next lives...and for the next, and the following ones that come after...you’ll continue to find me, even if we’re different people.” he smiles faintly through the first tears on his cheeks, _“Promise me_ you’ll fall in love with me, hold me close like you do, and we can fall in love all over again, live a longer life than we have now. And at my lowest, give me _hope_ that we can pull through.” he feels the full wave of tears coming, and as Daichi nods without waiting to link their pinkies like they always would, he holds a sob back and chuckles, even if his eyes are red and he’s getting sleepier from the therapy.

 _“Forever.”_ Daichi nods, leaning in to share a short kiss, tender and ever loving. They can think about their final days tomorrow, or the following day. _For now,_ all Suga wants is to be close to Daichi for whatever little time they have left. _Six months._ It’s not a long time, nor is it really short. Half a year. Many things could change, and he knows the last lap isn’t going to be easy.

_But with Daichi by his side, he has hope. It’ll be alright. It’ll be._

* * *

_**Winter, the same day.** _

“Asahi, did you buy the stuff I wanted?” Suga glances over at his friend, and Asahi reaches over to grab the bag of things: _cups, fake flowers, and their favourite movie, Mamma Mia._ Suga laughs at the memory, even if it sends him into fits of coughs; the first time Suga had made Daichi watch it together with him, they had laughed at how ridiculous the lines were, but at the end of the movie they were on their feet, dancing away. Even if they couldn’t get up now, bedridden and too tired, they could enjoy a movie they watched at least once a month.

“I got the fruit punch, too.” Noya raised the bottle of drink, and Suga nods weakly at that. He has planned a simple date, just the two of them for the night. Fruit punch, a drink they had the first time they met, ice cream that was already in the fridge, flowers like the ones Daichi had given him on their first date at a restaurant, and their favourite movie. Perfect.

“Thank you both,” he sighed heavily, even with the extra oxygen, as he tried to adjust the tubing in his arm and his nose, uncomfortable but he was sure he could get by. He waited for Daichi to return from the shower, and when he came back in his cute, matching beanie with Suga’s own, he saw the look on Daichi’s face, their laughter weak but barely contained.

Daichi speaks first. “Where did you get this beanie from?”

Asahi’s eyes brightened at the question. “It’s part of my new collection! Noya had inspired me to start making beanies as an exclusive piece to the winter sets. This one is incredibly comfortable and I wanted you both to have it.”

Daichi’s smile is still there as he’s helped by Asahi back into the bed beside Suga’s, and as soon as he’s comfortable in Suga’s arms, he notices the little things on the table. “What’s all this?” he gives a look of disbelief, picking up the cup shakily. Suga watched as Daichi seemed to take it all in after a bit of processing.

“It’s all our firsts and favourites.” Suga whispered. “I thought...I thought since we still had some time, I wanted to...do a _last_ date, together. I got them both to help...get us some, uh, things.” he gestured to the fridge with whatever energy he could manage, and Noya bent down, getting out the ice cream. One of it has biscuits sandwiching the ice cream, and the other a cone with half chocolate and half vanilla.

Daichi’s smile is unforgettable even if weak. Suga falls in love all over again. “You remembered.”

“Of course, what do you take me for?” Suga retorts, taking the ice cream slowly from Noya after the packet is opened.

Asahi gestures to the door. “We’ll let you both be after we start the movie for you both.”

Suga nods, and he thanks them again.

For the last three months or so, after their conditions had rapidly been on the decline, both of them decided it was time to accept their fate, and let their friends check them into hospice care. To be fair, the food was nice and the fact that they had let Daichi have the same room with him was really sweet, which meant he got to spend his last days beside the person he loved dearly. As the days grew on, they became weaker, unable to hold down food and being put on other methods of nutrition. But even as they pushed through moments of defeat, they got to spend every waking moment, every sunset and sunrise, _together._

It’s no wonder why they were known to the nurses as one of the sweetest couples to walk through their doors. The doctors often talked about how they could never find it in them to separate one from the other, and it was the only reason they agreed to letting them have their beds side by side in their final days. The both of them had grown fond of their nurse-in-charge, had been bright when Oikawa and Iwaizumi visited too. They'd even been happy about their friends from their therapy group coming every weekend.

Through the movie, Suga is getting sleepier, eyes closing every now and then. His body feels heavier, eyelids closing every now and then, but his breathing steadies and his breathing is not as laboured as it had been in the last few days. He can barely feel the steady rise and fall of Daichi’s stomach as he took shallow breaths, too, enjoying the movie as the final song came, just after Sophie gets married.

 _ **I have a dream, a song to sing, to help me cope with anything.**_ _**If you see the wonder of a fairy tale, you can take the future, even if you fail…**_

__“Daichi?”_ he whispers softly, his breath too shallow as his eyes close gradually, barely able to keep it open anymore._

He hears the breath Daichi takes, hand moving to give one tight squeeze as best as he can manage before lacing their fingers weakly. _“Yeah?”_

“Keep our promise, okay?” he whispers, smiling as he tilts his head weakly as he takes another breath, “Promise me...to come find me...wherever we are in the future…I hope you fall in love with me...once more, and...we live till we’re old.”

_“Always.”_

_“Me too.”_

_“I love you, Daichi.”_

_“I love you too, Suga.”_

_**I believe in angels, something good in everything I see,**_ _**I believe in angels, when I know the time is right for me.**_ _**I'll cross the stream, I have a dream.**_

* * *

_Daichi passes first that night, followed by Suga barely a few minutes later._

The movie has ended by then, and as Asahi looks in to see their heart rate monitor flat line, he breaks down, hugging Noya so tight that he feels like he can’t breathe.

“Let it out,” Noya whispers, brushing his hair through his fingers, comforting as ever since Asahi had been coping poorly with the news of the final days of his best friends. Never did he think he’ll be saying goodbye this soon; he’s horrible at acceptance, always has been. He never reacted well to knowing he had cancer, never wanted to accept that his best friends had relapsed and clung to stupid faith that they could bounce back.

As the nurses cleaned up the room and took special care in cleaning their bodies, Asahi finds his footing again, pulling away and glancing up at his partner, having been laying his head on his waist. He knew this day was coming, but he’d at least hoped they’d pull through Christmas day. He thinks about the special gifts he’d been wanting to give them both.

“You don’t have to accept it now.” Noya reminds him, touching his cheek, eyes soft as ever even if he had been crying, too. “Nobody can rush the process of grief, and that is the same for you, regardless of family or best friend. You three shared a special bond.” he offers a sad smile.

Asahi nods, pressing his cheek to Noya’s chest, letting his heartbeat steady his own. He doesn’t have the words, doesn’t know what to do. It’s too soon to try and say anything, so for the next ten minutes or so, both of them watch quietly as the doctors and nurses enter and leave the room.

_Now, as they finish thinking and reminiscing about the first time Suga and Daichi met, seven years ago on Christmas night, Asahi was silently glad to have been in the middle of it all._

“Before Daichi, Suga had always preferred to spend his holidays alone, and it took us forever to get him out of the house.” he laughs at the memory, “And then...Daichi shows up, and suddenly Suga wants to learn how to cook, buys things for Daichi, matching, mind you, and they’re always inviting us over for double dates.” he sniffles through tears in his eyes, moving closer to Suga’s body. _It’s cold, too cold,_ but it’s always been like that for a while since winter came and Suga only grew more frail. “You two...please, take care of each other.” he places a hand on Suga’s shoulder.

“I’m sure they will. Even in their last hour...last minute…” Noya mutters.

 _“They were thinking of each other.”_ Asahi completes the thought. “They were perfect for each other. They balanced each other out more than anyone. Soulmates, forever and ever. And I’m so glad this was their ending, _happy and painless.”_ Asahi takes his hand off Suga’s shoulder, before moving to Daichi’s side and doing the same.

“I wish I told you this, but everytime Suga came to my office to help out with the holiday collections…” he chokes on a wet laugh, “He would never stop talking about you. So _please,_ continue holding his hand, okay? Never stop being his light. _He loved you more than anyone.”_

Asahi breaks down then and there, arms tightly around Noya’s after letting go of Daichi's shoulder, and time slows.

_Both their stars, now burnt out, disappearing from the skies after crossing each other._

_fin._

**Author's Note:**

> i cried writing the final scene as i listened to the track i choose for their final moments. i didn't think it would be this sad, but the prompt is literally death, and i knew i had to push through with it. the fault in our stars made me cry, and i knew making this a daisuga au would wreck me, too, so i knew this is pretty much self inflicting. but _oh well._ the damage is done.
> 
> follow me on twitter for when i post about angst week! (@/SUGAWARAVITY)
> 
> the songs used are _soon you'll get better_ by **taylor swift** and _i have a dream_ by **abba,** but for this piece, i used the one with **amanda seyfried** in _Mamma Mia (2008)._
> 
> x char


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